007 of Songs from a Sketchbook is called “Sunlight” and you can check it out by clicking here.
2016 was a tough year for me internally.
Anyone who has listened to Songs from a Sketchbook or read one of these blogs knows I’ve been processing a lot.
I feel like 2016 was the year that the weight of everything I have ever done, said, thought, or believed hit me and I’ve been recovering ever since.
I’ve been sorting through so much in my head and heart and Songs from a Sketchbook has been the tool I’ve used to do so.
It’s quite strange actually because this project has been about committing myself to details and rules that I have created, but that’s just the logistical side.
It’s also been about me growing as a human being and each song has reflected an extremely vulnerable piece of who I am as well as a step forward in a larger transition I’ve been aware of since I began.
007 was going to be a different song originally. I had a four song head start before I released 001 so that I could feel comfortable releasing one song a week while I continued to write others. If I wrote one I liked more, I just pushed the other songs I had saved to the following week.
The song I had ready for 007 was a pretty angry song and I had been so excited to release it.
After releasing 006, however, it felt like taking a step backwards.
Through expressing anger, and hopelessness, and frustration, I really have experienced freedom from those feelings.
I want this project to reflect who I am and where I’m at. If I’m angry, I’m going to write an angry song. If I’m sad, I’m going to write a sad song.
This particular week I decided the song I had planned didn’t reflect who I was anymore. The anger didn’t resonate, so the song was no longer mine.
Instead, I sat down and reflected on this feeling of freedom and new-ness and not wanting to return to a place of such darkness.
Will I ever feel angry again? Yes. Will I ever feel sad again? Yes.
I know these things.
But that’s just part of life.
Happiness is such an empty pursuit. We’re going to get it, and then we’re going to lose it, and then we’re going to get it, and then we’re going to lose it again.
What I’m learning is that if I understand and accept that life is a repeating cycle of ups and downs, I cherish the good times more and the bad times don’t throw me as violently.
007 is about cherishing the moment when you wake up and finally feel like yourself again.
There are good pieces of me I thought were gone forever.
I thought they were lost with innocence and couldn’t be part of who I am now.
I thought that was just part of growing up and I’m glad that I was wrong.
I’ve learned that so much of who we are and how we experience life is up to us.
We get to decide.
It’s the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is a feeling. Joy is a choice. It’s an attitude. It doesn’t mean you ignore the hard stuff. It means you operate with perspective no matter the circumstances.
Today I feel free and waking up to such a feeling is a product of process and a gift.
But now that the sun is up and I can see more clearly what needs fixing, I can act more intentionally and trust that the work I do now will sustain me even through the dark.